Mar 31, 2011

The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. ~Elbert Hubbard, The Notebook, 1927

Friends.

Everybody needs them, but for some reason they seem to be hard to come by. I have never exactly been the social butterfly. I'm awkward in social situations and I keep my guard up for long time after meeting someone. And now I would do anything to change that about me. It's one of those things that I just hate about myself. (Granted I know you shouldn't hate yourself and I don't, but we all have those things about ourselves that makes us want to scream).

I had a group of friends in high school and I knew a lot of people. And probably more people knew me than I knew because I was the tuba girl. And I like the attention but I kept close to those friends that I had. And when we college four of us went to the same school. At first I was actually disappointed because I was looking forward to a fresh start and not walk in with people already thinking they knew who I was and holding me to that. Then I got excited, mostly because I got scared. But college changes people and the group of seven of us that used to be close friends were no more. They didn't exist anymore and by the end of my freshmen year I was hurt and scared, and I went home not to return to that school again. (Sometimes I really wish I had because it's just matter of showing people that they didn't break me and I'm stronger than that but most of the time I'm glad I ended up where I did because I wouldn't have Rob otherwise).

But into my sophomore year I went to community college and started working at the first job I had ever had at FDI. It was a good first job and I meant my best friend. He taught me a lot of things, including one of the most important which is how to be a friend. I learned that things weren't as good as I thought they were with my friends because nobody really listened to me. I was the go-to-girl for problems and I gladly listened and wanted to help but I was sinking and no one really cared. But he did and he doesn't even realize how much he saved me. He was first real friend I had had. And he continued to be so through my last two years of college but I chose to go away to school again.

And I realize my mistake again. I clammed up because of what I had happened before. I was scared of making friends and getting hurt. And I didn't take advantage of everything I could have. I wish I could go back and do it again.

Because now I sit alone in this apartment, thinking about things like this. What would have happened if I had opened myself up a little more? What would have happened if I just had one friend that became a best friend through college and after? I get lonely a lot. I love Rob and he's busy and I understand that. But it's not about Rob. Women need women to talk to and to go play tennis with and shopping and all those other things. And I'm lacking a friend(s). I know that I have friends because several people always say that they are my friend and I do consider them that but my life is Olathe and their lives are everywhere else so the day-to-day friend thing is out the window.

I've been watching this show called Army Wives and I've been loving it. I understand what they go through, but more than that I wish that I had the friendship that they have found in each other. They all have something in common - they're husbands are in the Army. But we stand on the line. Rob's coworkers at Garmin have wives but I don't know them because we can't always make the group outings because of the Marines. And the Marines have wives but I don't fit in there either. So where do I fit in? I started volunteering at the library but not exactly the age group of looking for. And the church we've been attending is great but it does have a bit of a older crowd too. And I'm going back to school this fall at UMKC but how much younger at these people going to be than me and what are the chances that they live in Olathe or Overland Park or the like?

Rob tells me that I need to find my niche. But I've never really been good at anything. Growing up I tried things and then I quit so there was nothing that I was just really good at that I want do now. I'm not crafty. I like to read but that's kind of a loner activity. I love movies but everyone loves movies. I can't cook. I can't even put a puzzle together without going crazy. So then I go from being lonely to being bored because I don't even have a niche. And it all makes me wonder how I got here? Once upon a time, I had dreams of what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do? So what were they? I can't remember now.

I wouldn't change a thing about my life with Rob. I don't regret moving to a new city and leaving behind my life on the Missouri side, but I don't know how to fit in. I don't know how to get past this rut. I need a hobby. I need my niche. I need a friend.

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