Sep 9, 2013

Making the Cut: Oh Jillian How I Have Missed You

About four months after having Addison, in February [2013], I started my exercise journey. I surprised myself on a daily basis as I pushed myself and did more than I thought I could ever do. After months of feeling not so great about my body and just not feeling good in general, I started feeling good. I dropped a few pounds and some inches from my body. I was more comfortable in my own skin. I felt strong. I felt empowered. [I felt like all the money we spent on Jillian Michaels DVDs weren't just a waste of money anymore.]


Then I made a mistake. A mistake I won't be repeating again. I learned my lesson the hard way. I made the decision to stop exercising during the month of July. Rob was gone almost the whole month for annual training - Marine stuff - and I was doing the single parenting thing. I just figured it would be too hard to try to fit in exercising and doing everything around the house and for Addison. I did however vow that I would return in August once Rob returned and things got back to normal. I figured one month off was nothing and I could just pick back up where I left off. But it's never that easy, is it? 

I got lazy during July. I was exhausted from doing everything by myself. I stopped sleeping well - I never sleep well when Rob is gone as it is - but now I was up several times a night unable to fall back to sleep. I then became lazy about what I was eating. I was drinking more caffeine - while I was exercising I was limiting how much I had because I felt like it was dragging me down, adding empty calories, and contributing to my love handles and belly chunk. But from the lack of sleep and just plain exhaustion, I started drinking a lot more caffeine during my day. I also stopped paying attention to what I was eating. I was still cooking and eating in, thank goodness, but I was eating much more during my day. And without working out - not even going on walks because it was too hot - I wasn't burning off those calories. 

Which all means that I was now gaining weight and starting to feel bogged down. So when August came, the thought was exercising was not an appealing thought. Granted, I knew I wasn't feeling great but I realized how much I liked not getting up in the morning to work out. I enjoyed not getting sweaty, not being sore. I liked not feeling like I had to work out or I would feel guilty. I also liked not having to track my calories and worrying about what I was eating. So I made an excuse - August was a busy month and not a good time to start back to exercising - and I just continued with what I had done in July. [Which was nothing, just in case you weren't paying attention.]

But like I said, I was starting to gain back the weight I had lost from months of working out. I was feeling crummy all the time. I felt weaker. I wasn't sleeping well at night at all, so I was just so exhausted all the time. I just felt lousy. I hated looking in mirror. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I hated the way I looked and I had no one to blame but myself.


So again I said I would start in September. And this time I meant it. Everything I was feeling was because I had stopped exercising. I had stopped taking the time to take care of me, and I was feel the consequence of that. I knew it was going to be a fight to get back to it everyday. I would have to fight the little devil on my shoulder telling me to just put it off, that doing it a couple times a week was good enough. I was going to have to fight back. 

And on September 3, I put on my exercise clothes, tied up my shoes, turned on the fan, put in Jillian Michaels, and gave it everything I had (which turned out to be more than I thought after my two horrible months). And now as you read this, I have already completed day one of week two after already finishing five days of week one. I'm proud that I picked back up again. It has definitely been hard. I have been all kinds of sore. Basically after the first couple days, there wasn't a single part of my body that didn't feel sore. But I knew it would get better but I just had to keep going. Stopping wasn't an option. 

I'm not very far back into exercising and I still have to push myself everyday not just doing the work out but to just start it. But soon it should become a habit and just something I do on a daily basis. Even six days into this I'm already feeling better. It will take time to lose the weight and inches I gained back. But maybe that's pushing me even harder. Maybe that's making me even more determined than I was when I first started this back in February. Giving up is not an option. I never want to go back to feeling like I have for the last two months.


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