Aug 21, 2014

At 5 Weeks 6 Days

My heart broke.

This is hard for me to write but because I think writing is therapeutic I'm here now.

On July 21, I found that I was pregnant. We had been trying for five months and I was so excited. We were more than ready to add another little person to our family. Things were going good. I was feeling good. Exhausted but I chase a 21 month old around all day. Otherwise I was good. I wasn't feeling queasy. I didn't have any symptoms. And I wasn't complaining about it.

But the day before 6 weeks I started bleeding. And my world dropped. It started out innocently as some brownish spotting. I had never had spotting with Addison but I knew it didn't necessarily mean anything bad as long as it just continued to spot and wasn't bright red or clots. But still I felt that something was wrong. I couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was happening. And as the day progressed it got worse. The bleeding became heavier and it was bright red. By the evening there were clots.

My heart dropped. In my gut I knew what was happening. I knew exactly what it was. And I was scared. I felt completely alone. Rob was gone with the Marines and unreachable. My heart was broken. And my 21 month old was looking at me unsure of what was happening. To her life continues. She wanted to play and I wanted to cry.

And cry I did. A lot. It would hit me randomly. Suddenly tears would start flowing and I couldn't stop them. Off and on all day. I hadn't even been to the doctor yet, but I still knew. I knew in my heart that the baby I wanted so badly wasn't there anymore.

I wanted to be anywhere but there. I wanted to float away. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to not be in this moment. I wanted this not to be happening. But it was happening.

The next day my doctor fit me into her busy Monday schedule. We went and knew we were just confirming. There wasn't a doubt in my mind what had happened. I had blood drawn and soon enough my doctor came in to confirm. I had miscarried. She said at this early stage it was probably something at a chromosome level that just didn't line up. She said that one miscarriage didn't increase my chances of another one. She said that we could start trying again after my next regular period. She said my blood type was A+ so I didn't need a shot. She said that when we do get pregnant again we would check my hormone levels right away to make sure they are where they are supposed to be and if they aren't then we would fix it. She said she would call me later to let me if I needed to come back in a week to get my hormone levels rechecked again. Then we left.

Going to the doctor and having it confirmed was a step closer to closure. It felt a little more finale, like we were a little closer to closing the door on this and continuing forward. She did call me a few hours later and let me know that my hormones were almost back to normal, which was the only good news if that was even possible in this situation because it meant that I had miscarried naturally and wouldn't need any help.

Since then I have gone through the array of emotions. I feel sad a lot. I feel sad for this baby that will never be, for this person that we will never meet. I feel angry that this happened. I felt guilty when things continue on as usual and I'm laughing with Addison or Rob because I'm not spending every minute torn up about it. I feel down. But right now I feel ready to move forward.

Just because I move forward doesn't mean that I'm forgetting. I know that will never happen. This is something that I will carry with me, but I have a husband and daughter in the here and now who love and need me. And I know in my heart that there will be another chance for us. We'll add more children to our family, and this one I will carry with me always.

I know that God has a plan. I don't know what it is but I have to believe that he had a reason why this happened. I have to believe that this is all part of something. That doesn't always make it easier to accept however. It still breaks my heart.

It's been two weeks since. I should be 8 weeks and some days along now. But I'm not. It's still hard some days. Some days it's just like things have returned to normal. Every day gets a little easier. We are moving forward. We are planning to keep trying for another baby. We are enjoying our lives in the present. We are healing.


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