Mar 11, 2015

We Aren't Done

This is a blog post that is near and dear to my heart. One that I have been working on for awhile now. One that I have written then rewritten then rewritten once again. One that I debated even posting.

I never imagined that trying to have another baby would take this route. I never imagined that it
would be filled with so much heartache. I never imagined that I would have two miscarriages. I never thought that we would struggle so much just to bring another person into this family.

I didn't know secondary infertility even existed.

But it does. And the heartache is real. The frustration never-ending. The journey long.

Conceiving Addison was easy. It happened that second month we tried. I barely had a chance to progress the journey we were starting before I was pregnant and we started down that road. I never realized what being a mom really was. I never realized the love that was possible for such a tiny little person. But she has completely changed my world. She has rocked it all around. And she is so much of the reason why we want more.

We want to fill our house with more laughter and more love because we know that we have more to give. Addison opened our eyes to a whole new world and we want more of it.

So we started trying in March of 2014. I went back to taking my basal body temperature (BBT) each morning to help track when I ovulate. I started taking prenatals. I even learned about ovulation tests which detect a LH surge which is the last hormone before you ovulate, which is something I knew nothing about when we started trying for Addison.

And it wasn't until after Addison's MRI and we had less stress that we finally got that second line. And a few weeks later I started spotting then bleeding. And that was it. The baby we had prayed for after four months left us too soon. I was devastated. I cried and when I thought I had no more tears left I started crying again.

But slowly I started to feel better. And after sitting out a cycle, we could start trying again. But things were different. My cycle was different. I was different. I knew my cycle was likely to change. I never realized how much I would change from it.

But miracle of all miracles, I got pregnant right away. It never even crossed my mind that I would miscarry again. But when I went into the doctor the day after my positive, we discovered that my levels were too low and I would start bleeding in the next day or so. And that was it. I hadn't even really got a chance to progress that we were pregnant before it was gone. And my heart hurt all over again.

Again my cycles changed. I went from a cycle that was 27 days to a cycle that was 61 days. Every month I grew more discouraged.

So we made the decision to start talking to the doctor. She ran some tests and all my hormone levels came back normal. I got a pelvic ultrasound which came back normal. Except for a slight separation between one of my tubes and my uterus which my doctor didn't know if that had any significance as far as getting pregnant. But the person that would have the answers was a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).

So after two miscarriages and a year of trying, we were heading to try and find more answers. And we found answers. On one hand I'm excited that we were able to identity what probably caused the miscarriages and why we are struggling to get pregnant. But on the other hand I'm overwhelmed by the results, and honestly a bit bummed. The RE concluded that the separation was so slight that it would have no impact. But I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).

And this is where I struggle. I'm happy that we can put a name to the problem. I'm happy that we can form a plan and move forward with trying to get pregnant. But I also know that this isn't just going to affect trying to get pregnant. PCOS is so much bigger than that (I will be posting more about this on a later date). And for that reason I'm a bit terrified. But I have this amazing man, who I'm lucky enough to call my husband, who is supporting me and telling me that I'm not broken.

So now that we have the diagnosis, we can make a plan. We can move forward and try to get
pregnant with some help. Sometimes I feel sad because it didn't just happen as easily as it did with Addison and we probably won't be get pregnant naturally. But other times I think that I don't care how we get pregnant because in the end if we do get pregnant all that will matter is that beautiful baby we bring into the world.

So we are progressing with a treatment plan and only time will tell if it works. If it doesn't then we try something new. But we have the first step.

Even with knowing the cause and knowing we have a plan, I still struggle quite a bit. I have songs that I listen to that helps me deal when I'm having a bad day. I have a bracelet that reminds me to choose joy. I have a shirt that tells me that I'm stronger than yesterday. I have mantras that I repeat to myself sometimes nonstop all day long. And sometimes none of it helps. Sometimes I get pissed off and I get sad and I want to scream.

Which is when I remember a lyric from one of those songs that always helps me: "today it's okay to be not okay."

It's okay for me to have bad days. It's okay for me to be mad and sad. But these are cards in front of me and I'm dealing the best I can. But sometimes I just have to be not okay.

So here begins our secondary infertility struggles. I have no idea where our story will go. But we are following this road. We are still hoping and praying for that second little person to join our family. But right now this is where we are. And we just have to take it one day at a time.

xo, B

2 comments:

  1. Found your post through the NIAW "You Are Not Alone" Blog roll. Thanks for the reminder that sometimes it's okay to not be okay. It seems like sometimes I have months of patience and peace and then I hit a boiling point and have to freak out in order to move forward again. Praying right along with you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm the same way. I know I have to hit my breaking point and lose it then realize that I can keep going and moving forward. This is a heartbreaking, frustrating and exhausting thing. No one can be strong all the time and pretending to be every single second is only more draining.

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