May 13, 2015

Fight Like a Girl: Cycle #1

I'm going to start by saying that I don't plan on doing updates on each cycle so this is a rarity. I have actually done more infertility posts than I ever intended to lately but I have a lot to say and this is part of our lives so I'm going to continue talk about it.

April 1 started out first medicated cycle. I was nervous going into it because it seemed like a lot to remember. At the peak I was taking about nine different pills a day, but always an at least six a day. I also had to learn how to give myself a shot. Plus there were ultrasounds to see if the medicine was even working.

It seems a lot and I spent the first couple of weeks completely overwhelmed. But it was easy to fall into a groove and it all becomes second nature. For the beginning I knew it was going to end in a negative because there is no way we are that lucky to get pregnant the first cycle, but I was okay with that. I knew that we were finally on the right track and my cycle wasn't going to last for two months so I could deal with a negative.

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We took all the medicines, we went int for our ultrasound and found the medicine had done exactly what it was supposed to do, I gave myself a shot and we started our wait. I started progesterone to help thicken my lining which should help since I have had past miscarriages. We had our instructions and my test date. If it was positive then I call and I go in to get my betas done and I keep up with the progesterone. If it's negative then I stop the progesterone and let my next cycle start then call and we start over again.

Our test date came and it was a stronger positive. It was hard to believe. Our first medicated cycle and we got a positive. There was part of me that I was terrified and worried. I kept telling myself to chose joy over worry but any time I let myself feel too happy I had a sinking feeling. But it was a positive so I followed the instructions.

I had my betas (HCG level) taken and I got the call that the number of low. But I read that the number didn't necessarily matter but that the number doubled. So the plan was to go back 48 hours later then another 48 hours after that. Although I read that the number doesn't matter, I also knew that it being low was not a good thing. I just felt that there was something wrong. I wasn't joyful at all anymore. In fact I was just waiting for the bad news and waiting for the other shoe. I was preparing myself for the worse.

48 hours later I got the call I knew was coming. My levels dropped. I was having another miscarriage (chemical pregnancy). I was to stop the progesterone and let myself bleed. For the third time I would miscarry naturally.

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On the phone I was able to keep it together. We talked about what would happen next. I would get my level checked again to make sure they were negative. If they were negative then if we were ready we could start trying again. After getting information and asking my questions, I hung up and lost it. No matter how early or how many times I go through it, my heart hurts every time.

And in many ways this one was even harder. I didn't understand. I was going to the RE. I was doing
everything. I was taking all the medicines. I followed all directions. But I still couldn't keep a pregnancy. From this one we learned that I can get pregnant but there's a problem keeping me that way.

So where do we go from here? I'm not sure where our road will lead. I know that we are going to keep pressing forward. We aren't ready to give up. We are ready for our happy ending. Right now we are looking for answers to why I can get pregnant but not stay that way. But for the time being we just keep on the path we are on with our medications while we seek those answers.

And let I let myself heal from the heartache. I go easy on myself. I let myself be sad. I let myself be angry. I learn how to move forward again from yet another heartache.

"Sometimes you wonder if the road you're on has a reason."

xo, B

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