Sep 1, 2015

A Pregnancy Story: And Now There'll Be Four...

This has been a long time coming. It has been 16 months in the making. There has been so many heartbreaks since we first started this journey, but here we finally are. I am finally able to write about how our family is expanding and not the pain wanting more but it just not having.

This was our third and final medicated cycle. We had decided that if this didn't work then we would be moving on to adding an IUI next cycle. We were just taking it one cycle at a time. And I wasn't doing too much thinking about each cycle. I went through the motions and followed the directions given to me. And this cycle was no different. I took all my medicines. I had my follicular ultrasound and given the trigger shot date, our timing schedule, the date to start the progesterone, and my test day.

But soon after I started taking my progesterone I noticed things were different. I had a cycle on medicine where I got pregnant and one I didn't, so I mostly knew how my body responded to the medicine. And this was definitely different. Pretty quickly my boobs started hurting. I was tired all the time. I then started having food aversions while craving others. As we got closer to my test date I was sure of what the results would be. There was very little doubt in my mind. It was the first time since we started this journey for our second baby that I knew I was pregnant.

So it wasn't a surprise when the second line showed up quickly on the test that early Saturday morning. It was as solid as I had ever seen. After telling Rob what we both already knew but hadn't said out loud, I crawled back into bed and we went back to sleep. It wasn't until later that I realized how heartbreaking it was that I was no longer excited about the second line but nervous. I told myself to choose joy over worry but this being my fifth pregnancy with only one ending happily I struggled with that. We later talked about how I was desensitized to seeing a positive pregnancy test and it was sad that I was no longer as happy about them as I once was.

But I worked hard to be happy about it and just enjoy the moments I had. Since my test day was on a Saturday and my RE's office was closed on the weekend, I would have to wait until Monday to call in and have my blood work. The truth was that I was more nervous about the blood work than I was about any of the rest of it. It was during the blood work that we found out I was miscarrying the last two times. So I was nervous about getting the call and it being bad news again.

I barely thought much about the fact I was pregnant or my blood test but all morning on Monday I kept getting a tightness in my chest and my heart would start racing. Then I got the call. My HCG level was 265.1 and my progesterone was 64.99. It was good. The nurse sounded optimistic and it was a heck of a lot better than it had been before. But it wasn't about the first number. It was about that number doubling in 48 hours. So Wednesday I went back to get more blood work drawn. Early in that same morning I got the call. My HCG level was 758.6. It had done more than double. Everything was right on track for a healthy pregnancy. I still had one more blood test just to confirm that things really were on the right track. I was a mess all day waiting for the call. In the past they called early in the day when it was a quick conversation but now it was past their closing time by the time my phone rang. I answered it and she told me that they were looked for my number to be around 1400. But my number exceeded their expectations at 5037!

It was like a weight was instantly lifted off. I was passed two miscarriage milestones already and everything looked good and right on track. I knew that the hardest milestone was still ahead of me but when we went in for my 6 week scan, I knew we had officially passed all those hard moments. Even Rob noticed how quickly I started relaxing. It was like something had been sitting on my chest and now the pressure was gone.

It's not that I still don't have hard, doubtful moments. I have times when pregnancy after loss brain takes over and I just worry endlessly. I know that if something were to happen it wouldn't be my fault but I also know how much more heartbreaking it would be at this point. But I'm doing my best to find the good moments and to think positively. I'm trying to just enjoy every moment of this pregnancy and find the good and know how blessed I am even if I am throwing up a couple times a day.

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