Sep 22, 2015

A Pregnancy Story: Choose Joy

Throughout entire secondary infertility journey I tried to choose joy. I tried to find the good in each situation. But it was hard as the months ticked by. But when I finally got the second line of the pregnancy time for the fifth time, it was one of the hardest things to do. There was part of me that completely dreaded seeing a positive, not because I didn't want to be pregnant and have a baby but because I dreaded how it might end. As a woman who had three previous miscarriages, I immediately started to worry.

I kept telling myself that if I miscarried then I miscarried and I would pick myself back up again. If I
miscarried, it wasn't my fault. It wasn't anything I did or didn't do. It just would happen and that would be it. I would find a way to move on again. So I told myself every day to just enjoy each day that I was pregnant. But instead I found myself not thinking about it, not talking about it. It was almost like I was in denial.

The few times I did think about it, for the first time I knew I wasn't going to be able to come back from a miscarriage if it happened again. There was something different this time that I hadn't felt before. It was almost a panic of what would happen if I lost another baby. I knew that if we lost this pregnancy then we would be taking a bit of a break. But what I didn't knew was how I was going to pick myself back up again.

Because that panic would set in, I thought it was easier to just not thinking about it. I refused to say the words baby or pregnant. I didn't want to think about it. So I didn't. I didn't even acknowledge it when I went in for my blood work the Monday after my Saturday positive. I just thought of it as an errand and moved on with my day. However there was a moment of short relief when my number came back at 265. During my last pregnancy, my first beta was only 19.8. But I knew that it wasn't about the first number, it was about how that number doubled. So still I didn't think about it. Rob and I didn't talk about it at all.

It wasn't until the next Tuesday after my first beta that the crazy kicked in. I knew I had a that important beta the next day and that was the one that mattered. Because I have a kind and understanding husband he bought me another pack of pregnancy tests to put my mind at ease. I took the test as soon as he got home and we discovered that the control line was very faint but the pregnancy line was strong. I learned that meant that I had a lot of HCG in my system because the second line was pulling color from the control line, so basically it was really good. But I knew it was still about the second beta.

I got the call I was dreading Wednesday around noon to find that my number had more doubled at 758. I was finally starting to feel optimistic. Yet I still refused to talk about it. I avoided the topic all together. Although now I found myself thinking about it a bit more. I started feeling hopeful. I was starting to get more excited. Although my pregnancy was alluded to in conversations between Rob and me, we still avoided the topic.

When I went in for my final blood draw I was feeling very little symptoms and getting more worried again. It took them all day to call me with my number and I was terrified by the time they did call. The thought of choosing joy was out of the window and worry had completely taken over. But my number exceeded their expectations at 5037. It was the first time I took a deep breath and realized that this was all happening. I could just be happy. I could talk about it. I could think about it. I could truly feel happy and excited about it.

I never realized how hard it would be to choose joy. I never realized how quickly worry and fear took over. Over time it was easier to choose joy as we passed each milestone. The symptoms kicked in and there wasn't a doubt. Soon I started noticing a small bump and started feeling small flutters. We spent 16 months and had three miscarriages and many heartaches to get to this point. My first pregnancy happened so easily after two months of trying. This one has been a long journey so it was harder to relax and just enjoy the moments. I understand both sides. I never understood how hard and heartbreaking it could all be. I just took for granted the fact that I got pregnant so quickly and had a happy successful pregnancy. But this time I understand how much of a blessing it truly is. I am learning to just be thankful and just be thankful for the small moments.

I will always carry those three babies that I lost with me. I will never be the same woman I was before but I know how lucky I am that we were able to get pregnant. I know how blessed we truly are. There are still some hard days when I worry how my growing baby is doing. But every day I do truly feel blessed and thankful. Every day do my best to wake up and choose joy.

xo, B

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