Mar 21, 2018

Number 4

I truly debated if I wanted to write this blog post or not. Have I talked about this topic time and time again? Three other times actually. But I want to talk about it again because it's another way to heal. It's a way to share my experience which could help someone else. It's a way to keep this topic from being taboo.

So here is it: Last month I had a fourth miscarriage.

Rob and I always talked about having three kids and right now we have two pretty awesome ones. I was pretty sure we weren't going be able to have another one because of my history but we decided we wanted to let it happen if it did. I went off birth control in November of 2017 partly for the reason to start trying and partly because I was feeling all over the place with the hormones and my PCOS, so I wanted to try to control it without the help of birth control.

Just like when we started trying with Connor, I started temping every morning in order to figure out my cycle and how messed up it was. Come to find it, it wasn't as bad as I thought but I still had a bit of a longer cycle than what is considered ideal. But I figured it would be a good way to see if I could help my PCOS by seeing what my cycle did.

I definitely had a different thought process going off birth control this time. It took so long to get pregnant in the first place when we started trying for a second, so I was sure it would be very similar. I thought it would take months if it even happened at all.

But it did happen. The second cycle we were trying. I ovulated on cycle day 19 which is not the "ideal" day 14, but that didn't have to mean anything bad. And from the moment we found out, I was a wreck. I was nervous and my anxiety was so high. I didn't get to see my doctor for my confirmation appointment which I really wanted, but it was confirmed and I made my first prenatal appointment with my doctor and just tried to not worry,

But of course I worried. I could shake the feeling that something was wrong. Especially since at about 6 weeks and a couple days I stopped having symptoms. I tried to tell myself that symptoms come and go and maybe they would come back in a few days. But I just couldn't shake the feeling.

At 7 weeks I got a call from my doctor's office that my doctor wanted me to go in for a dating ultrasound and to get some bloodwork done as soon as possible, so the next day I went in. And what I had sensed for a few days was confirmed.

The ultrasound tech told me that I was only dating about 5 weeks 4 days and it took her so long to find a yolk sac and she wasn't even sure about it at that. She told me it was a good thing I was getting some bloodwork done. She stayed positive but I knew then. I knew it was over. I was pretty much a mess the rest of the day.

Then I got the confirmation call from my doctor that my progesterone was too low. I told her I figured this was the case because I had started spotting that morning. But my doctor still wanted to meet with me so in I went. She told me that my progesterone was only 3 which it seemed like it wasn't a case of having low progesterone being the cause of the miscarriages but more that my body was already trying to get back to normal. But if we wanted to meet with a perinatal group to see if we could get some answers about why I'm having so many miscarriages.

Needless to say I was a mess for a few days. Rob worked from home so he could help with the kids while I just rested and tried to deal with the fact that I had lost a fourth baby. But unlike the last three miscarriages this wasn't a week or so of bleeding then done.

I checked in with my doctor that the bleeding had been a lot lighter than I had had before, so she wanted me to get an ultrasound to see if I had gotten rid of all the tissue yet. It was a moment I dreaded especially since as I walked into the building standing in the doorway was a very pregnant woman admiring her baby on her ultrasound pictures.

Turned out it wasn't all gone, so we would wait out another week before we would have to turn to a D&C. So now I went through another week of bleeding then I went back in to get checked. And luckily this time it was confirmed that everything was gone. Even after being told that everything looked normal again I had two more days of the heaviest bleeding yet before it finally ended. I ended up bleeding for the grand total of 17 days.

We did end up going to gather information about our options on finding out why the miscarriages were happening. Pretty much it could just be a chromosomal issues. A genetic issue. A very rare chance I have a blood clotting issues. But pretty much the only way to combat the majority of the reasons why I could be miscarriages would be IVF, which we ruled out as an options. In fact it was then that I ruled out using the fertility clinic at all again. Trying for a third was very different than when we were trying for Connor.

It took another three and half weeks for my period to finally come back which ended my miscarriage cycle for good. Of course I wish I could say that you move on, but you always carry those miscarriages with you. You never forget.

So where we stand now is an interesting place. I'm not necessarily ready to call it quits on trying for a third, but I also know that means I run of the risk of going through another miscarriage and maybe that one will be the one that will mean we will really be done. But at this point we are just letting it happen as it happens. Maybe we will have another one. Maybe we will decide it's just time to go back on birth control and move on.

In some ways this miscarriage felt a lot like the first one. It took me completely by surprise. Maybe it was foolish to not think this was a possibility again, but I just didn't. I lived with thinking I was pregnant longer than the other three. Both Rob and I hoped we would have a happy ending to this which might give hope to other couples who have gone through something similar to what we went through to get Connor. But we don't.

Truthfully there are days that I'm still angry that this is our reality. There are days I'm sad. There are days that I'm upset that my body betrays me. There are days that I'm just confused that I can have two amazing kids right there but I have lost four. It's really hard to find a silver lining in an experience like this. Pretty much it just hurts and it's just something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

"She's got lions in heart. A fire in her soul. He's got a beast in his belly that's so hard to control. 'Cause they've taken too much hits, taking blow by blow. Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode.

When you've been fighting for it all your light. You've been struggling to make things right. That's how a superhero learns to fly. Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power." (Superhero, The Script)

Read about my experiences here:
At 5 Weeks 6 Days
Through It All
Fight Like a Girl: Cycle #1

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