Jun 20, 2018

Bump to Baby: The Story

Truthfully I knew this was coming. I have been pregnant enough times to know what the beginning stages feel like even if I have only made it past the beginning stages two times. It all starts the same and this one wasn't any different. But let me start at the beginning.

After my last miscarriage, we were told to wait until I had a normal period before we started trying again. It felt like my miscarriage cycle would never end and I had no idea what to expect from a normal cycle since the change of hormones is always different. But my period was normal and things were all good. The thing that took me by surprise this time though was that I ovulated on cycle day 14 (I take my temperature every morning first thing which is what gives me insight into my cycle). I hadn't ovulated on cycle day 14 naturally since Addison. With Connor, I did only because I was on my medication and I was doing shots in order to force my ovulation on cycle day 14 thanks to PCOS. So I was more than a little surprised to find that for the first time in six years I ovulated at the "right time."

Mostly I was pumped because I was starting to think that maybe I was doing something right to help my PCOS which will help normalize my cycle. Truthfully it's impossible to know now if it's things I was doing that made the difference or if it was just the difference in my hormones since the miscarriage. But whatever the case I was just happy for it to be "normal." In the past I have had a mix after my miscarriages, but mostly they have been two and a half month long cycles before I was back on track again.

Since I'm writing this you can guess our timing was pretty dang good. But we hadn't really been trying. We were still going with the same thought that we had when I first went off birth control, if it happened then it happened. We were definitely taking a no-stress approach to the possibility of having a third. Which after having another miscarriage since had just drilled into me that this probably will never happen. It was a hard reality and one I hated since I might be forced into giving up, but it was one that I would have to come to accept.

But I digress.

After I ovulated I noticed really high temperatures and truthfully even thought I was just sick. I was insanely tired, but truthfully that's that not that crazy for me. It was having to go to the bathroom all the time and the craving for prosciutto that started to get my attention that something else might be at play. Although Rob knew I had a craving proscuitto, I hadn't mentioned anything to him about what I suspected.

It was a few days before my period was supposed to come that I finally decided to find out. It was more to see if my instincts were right and maybe a little to get out of doing a workout I wasn't wanting to do. But it was also because I had gone to the bathroom and it had been ten minutes and I had to go again. So at this point I was sure I was either pregnant or I had a UTI. I decided it was time to find out.

I gave the kids their breakfast and headed upstairs. I had a couple tests left over from my last pregnancy and decided to go for it. And I was surprised to find out that I was indeed pregnant.


I wish I could say that I felt something but I really didn't. I guess maybe that's just my way to protect myself after having four miscarriages, but I just thought 'here we go again.' Later as I was taking a shower I found myself thinking about the future and how old the kids would be before I stopped myself. I was being silly thinking ahead. The odds weren't in my favor. We didn't know why I was having miscarriages, but I was, so why should I think this one would end any different?

So I decided to ignore it. I knew I should probably call the doctor and get my levels checked to see if this had a chance of lasting but I decided to wait. I hadn't even missed my period yet so I was going to wait until the next week to make the call. How awful that I found out I was pregnant and wanted to ignore it and felt no excitement?

But what I couldn't put off was telling Rob nor did I want to. But since I took the test in the morning when he wasn't home, it would have to wait until he got home that evening. It did cross my mind to just text him but just because I felt nothing didn't mean he should find out so impersonally. So I waited...a couple hours.

I wasn't feeling really anxious but I wanted to tell my husband. I asked him if he could take a ride with us to do drop-off and told him then. Turned out that Rob suspected too, but he was of course happy. Cautiously so. Truthfully I think he was more excited than me. I just couldn't get excited about something that I was doubting would last. I know that sounds terrible but that's how it feels after having a miscarriage.

But we were excited. We had always planned on three. We are definitely looking forward to the next phase of our lives and can't wait for all that is coming.

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