Nov 21, 2018

Bump to Baby: My Last One

It's hard to believe that I'm at the tail end of this pregnancy. I feel like I have been pregnant for a long time but also that it's flown by. It's definitely been a weird mix as I try to sort through how I'm feeling as this pregnancy is coming to a close. Which will officially mean the end of pregnancies for me.

When Rob and I got married we talked about three kids. I'm not really sure why we decided on that number but we wanted three. That was always in our head. We got pregnant with the first quickly with no problems and although being a mom has never felt completely natural to me, I have enjoyed it. Addison made me a mom and has changed my life.


I had baby fever pretty quickly and we decided to start trying when she was around 18 months, but it definitely didn't go how we expected. After 16 months of trying, three miscarriages, and finally having to go through a fertility clinic, we got pregnant with Connor. He has been a spit-fire and an amazing little boy. I will admit that from the moment he was born, we have never completely found our groove even though he is definitely a mama's boy. But because we struggled to find the right balance, I just never really got that baby fever. I think there was also part of me that was almost afraid to start trying again even though I did want one more.


But we decided to start again just because Connor turned two. I never expected that we would get pregnant again. I was ready to accept that we would just have Addison and Connor and I was okay with that. But then we did get pregnant almost right away. That pregnancy ended with my fourth miscarriage and definitely the hardest physically that I went through. But when we could find start trying again, we got pregnant almost immediately. I kept myself distanced from it but everything was turning out okay. And before I knew it we were out of the first trimester, finding out we were having another girl and everything was really and truly good.

This pregnancy is bitter sweet in so many ways. It's hard to believe that with the end of this pregnancy I'm ending my journey through fertility. We are done having kids and that part of my life will be behind me. But at the same time I hate being pregnant. Pregnancy doesn't not make me feel good so I won't miss the aches and pains that comes with it all. On top of that knowing that we are done having kids means I can move forward with fitness goals have for myself without us stopping everything to try to have another baby. And I also now know that four miscarriages is all I will have to go through. I won't have to go through that pain again. I can just keep those four little babies close my heart and move on from that.

I have tried to really appreciate this last pregnancy knowing that it would be my last. Of course it has by far been my hardest pregnancy yet so that hasn't always been easy. I think appreciating my last baby will definitely be different because all of her firsts will be the last time we go through those moments and that might be a little more heartbreaking.

But we are also ready to move on from our fertility journey. We are ready for our family to expand one more time and then become the family we always dreamed we would have. We have two amazing kids so far and we can't wait until Emma is here and find how it all balances in the end.


But for now we are in the final countdown - that's hard to believe - until our third and last baby gets here and we are definitely ready. We are excited to meet her and see who she's going to be. We are excited to add her into our family and settle in as a family of five.

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